I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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