Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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