Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
