He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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