I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
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Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
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Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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