Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
