I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
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Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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