My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
