they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
