Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
