At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
