And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
