I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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