Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
