Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
