I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
