he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
