I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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