Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
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i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
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We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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