i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
