When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
