whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
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