oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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