he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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