you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
