guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
