the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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