You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
