I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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