If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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