And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
