Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
