Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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