saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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