I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
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I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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