i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
