i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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