Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
