Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
