I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
