I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
