True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The beer is more important than you right now.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Why can't burritos get me drunk
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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