guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
