my vag is so smooth its legendary
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
