Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sext me about skeletons
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
