How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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