i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
