Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
