If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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