he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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