I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
