So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Screwed.edu
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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