hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
