the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
