when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
