after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
