She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
