I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
