everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
